So, I am annoyed that I can't find my camera, as there are numerous things I'd like to post photos of! Argh! But, so goes the process of moving, right? Right.
Today, garage sale.
Tomorrow, Connor-party in the morning, though I've heard from only 2 families, one will be there, one might send her kid with her husband... 20 approximately families at the preschool. E-mail notification, and public notice in the classroom. Last year, 2 kids came. This year, one of those kids is in Florida. My boy can haz nice party someday? With friends come? Yes? We've only been in this school for 2 and a half years... great school, but not so social of parenty peoples.
Also tomorrow, our Drink Beer and Take Our Shit Party! Hopefully a houseful of the folks we like to see, and a house liberated from more stuff by Sunday.
Also tomorrow, Jorma's band at the park. They're playing at a union rally thingy. So, we'll go to that too! Kind of a busy day of rest. LOL
Monday, we get whatever is left over out the door and into the garage.
Tuesday, the Goodwill truck comes to get it!
Somewhere in all this, our rebuilt carburetor will get put back on the RV, we'll get the hitch and the trailer and tow lights, the water line, and get the final boxes gone through and the boxes that are going on the trailer packed.
Phew! Not so much. HAH!!
Friday, April 29, 2011
Friday, April 8, 2011
This Moment...
A moment from this week, to remember, to hold onto, to sink my teeth into...
 |
| I am loved by a little boy |
Thursday, April 7, 2011
the Circle comes back around...
Last week I put a ring on a man's hand. He put a ring on mine. Sitting in the car outside the head shop, my husband and I discovered that $15.00 rings, and a heart connection can make for a very emotional recomittment to one another.
We've had some hard years here. We've nearly spun apart/imploded multiple times. Having teenagers is really fucking hard. Being in work you hate, and in a school that tells you you're full of shit for your ideas, and discovering just how fucked up a family can be can really make a person miserable. When you have two partners in this kind of emotional place together, and they have completely different coping mechanisms, shit sucks. A lot.
But we kept muddling. We didn't throw in the towel, and then as we went through other important and difficult things... not the least of which was a serious illness... a new perspective emerged. As we got through this long and fairly horrid winter, some things came clear for me. Most importantly, what I value in life, who I want to be, how I want to live. I want to live in love. I want to have fun, I want to have friends, I want to be frivolous and spontaneous. Things don't matter at all. My people matter. Right now, this man and this boy with home I share this space.
I determined that through all the shit, I had pretty much shut down, become isolated and resentful, and felt very, very alone. I've become quite untrusting, scared of reaching out to make friends. I just feel so different from the sort-of peers I kind of have. But I kept on swimming, ya know? But what of my husband? He was having a completely horrid time of things too! I got so stuck in how put-upon I was, how stressed and over-extended I was, and how he wasn't sucking it up and doing more was sooooo unfair, that I just got disconnected and emotionally shut down. That is what I needed to do to get through the ongoing crises that were my daily everydays. But I forgot a major thing; I forgot to give. I mean, to REALLY give. I was giving, and that was all I was doing, but I wasn't giving to my partner. I was expecting. I never really gave a thought to where he was emotionally in this whole mess. Even though I've known him now for nearly 29 years, and I know know know how emotional he is, and how he processes, I was angry with him for being, well, himself. And in my anger, I left him kind of out to dry. I wasn't his shoulder, anymore than he was mine, but see, the thing is, he needs a shoulder before he can be one. I hold together in the crisis, and come apart after. He falls apart in the midst of, and bucks up once it's dealt with. I expected him to be right there in the thick of everything with me. But I know he can't do that. It was unfair of me.
As I went through this icky medical crap over the winter, and felt like shit, and was pretty fucking useless, he was there. He fed me, he loved me, he took care of the boy and the house. He was my friend from back when I was a girl, that friend that was there in a heartbeat when I needed him. And I realized just how much this man means to me. I totally got just how empty my life would be without him. He's been my rock for 29 fucking years. There's no one on this planet that knows as much of ME as he does. And yet, he loves me. Completely, and for just exactly who I am. No bullshit. No filters. He knows the rawest, most true me. The worst parts of my history. And yet... he loves me.
As I found myself at this epiphany of the depths of my love for my husband, and the understanding that I'd let him down as surely as I'd felt let down myself, my heart just flooded open. All the ... whatevers ... that had built up; I dunno... protection? Coping? Distance? they just - POOF All gone. I wanted to give. And so, give I did. It feels so very good! And in my giving, he has opened his heart again too, and he gives, and we are... well... we are partners again.
I'm all giddy in love again! I feel as though we are treading rather too close to barfingly cute for people of our age, but who gives a good goddamn?! We can't keep our hands off each other, we once again call each other by Jim Dear and Darling, and we, losers of wedding rings some 10 years past, bought rings for each other. Slim, sterling bands, bought at the head shop. Somehow completely appropriate for a couple who married on Hippie Hill.
Then, we got in the car, parked on the curb there on West Leonard, Connor buckled securely in his seat, so very curious about what Gramma and Papa were up to. Jim found the smaller ring, and put it on my finger. The finger that's been wedding-band-free for 10 years, and ring-free for 2, and he said, "With this ring, I thee wed. Again." And I put the larger band on his wedding-band-free for 10 years finger, and repeated his words.
And we meant them. With even more of our hearts than we meant them almost 23 years ago. We've been together longer than we've been not-together. We share children and a grandchild, and a lifetime of memories and history. The feeling - well, I can't even articulate the feeling. Rushes of gratitude, and love, and security, and safety, and just... tingly goodness! It really is an amazing thing, what the sight of a band on the third finger of your left hand, and the hand of your partner, does for one emotionally. A beautiful thing. An incredibly, powerfully meaningful thing. My oldest, dearest, truest friend. My partner. Love of my life. My Husband.
Weird as it is, this is probably the best ring I've ever had.
We've had some hard years here. We've nearly spun apart/imploded multiple times. Having teenagers is really fucking hard. Being in work you hate, and in a school that tells you you're full of shit for your ideas, and discovering just how fucked up a family can be can really make a person miserable. When you have two partners in this kind of emotional place together, and they have completely different coping mechanisms, shit sucks. A lot.
But we kept muddling. We didn't throw in the towel, and then as we went through other important and difficult things... not the least of which was a serious illness... a new perspective emerged. As we got through this long and fairly horrid winter, some things came clear for me. Most importantly, what I value in life, who I want to be, how I want to live. I want to live in love. I want to have fun, I want to have friends, I want to be frivolous and spontaneous. Things don't matter at all. My people matter. Right now, this man and this boy with home I share this space.
Badlands, May 2009
I determined that through all the shit, I had pretty much shut down, become isolated and resentful, and felt very, very alone. I've become quite untrusting, scared of reaching out to make friends. I just feel so different from the sort-of peers I kind of have. But I kept on swimming, ya know? But what of my husband? He was having a completely horrid time of things too! I got so stuck in how put-upon I was, how stressed and over-extended I was, and how he wasn't sucking it up and doing more was sooooo unfair, that I just got disconnected and emotionally shut down. That is what I needed to do to get through the ongoing crises that were my daily everydays. But I forgot a major thing; I forgot to give. I mean, to REALLY give. I was giving, and that was all I was doing, but I wasn't giving to my partner. I was expecting. I never really gave a thought to where he was emotionally in this whole mess. Even though I've known him now for nearly 29 years, and I know know know how emotional he is, and how he processes, I was angry with him for being, well, himself. And in my anger, I left him kind of out to dry. I wasn't his shoulder, anymore than he was mine, but see, the thing is, he needs a shoulder before he can be one. I hold together in the crisis, and come apart after. He falls apart in the midst of, and bucks up once it's dealt with. I expected him to be right there in the thick of everything with me. But I know he can't do that. It was unfair of me.
As I went through this icky medical crap over the winter, and felt like shit, and was pretty fucking useless, he was there. He fed me, he loved me, he took care of the boy and the house. He was my friend from back when I was a girl, that friend that was there in a heartbeat when I needed him. And I realized just how much this man means to me. I totally got just how empty my life would be without him. He's been my rock for 29 fucking years. There's no one on this planet that knows as much of ME as he does. And yet, he loves me. Completely, and for just exactly who I am. No bullshit. No filters. He knows the rawest, most true me. The worst parts of my history. And yet... he loves me.
 |
| Goat Rock Beach, May 2009 |
I'm all giddy in love again! I feel as though we are treading rather too close to barfingly cute for people of our age, but who gives a good goddamn?! We can't keep our hands off each other, we once again call each other by Jim Dear and Darling, and we, losers of wedding rings some 10 years past, bought rings for each other. Slim, sterling bands, bought at the head shop. Somehow completely appropriate for a couple who married on Hippie Hill.
 |
| November 8, 1988 |
 |
| May, 2009... same spot! |
And we meant them. With even more of our hearts than we meant them almost 23 years ago. We've been together longer than we've been not-together. We share children and a grandchild, and a lifetime of memories and history. The feeling - well, I can't even articulate the feeling. Rushes of gratitude, and love, and security, and safety, and just... tingly goodness! It really is an amazing thing, what the sight of a band on the third finger of your left hand, and the hand of your partner, does for one emotionally. A beautiful thing. An incredibly, powerfully meaningful thing. My oldest, dearest, truest friend. My partner. Love of my life. My Husband.
 |
| April 7, 2010 |
Weird as it is, this is probably the best ring I've ever had.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Aaaaaand... a bump in the road
Sooooo....
That new drivetrain? The one that came out of the same vehicle we have basically? Yeah. Won't fit. The transmission is 3 inches longer, and the bolt pattern is different. Jim took copious pictures, and took those with him when he went to look at the drivetrain, to guard against just such an event. But, there you have it. When they're sitting side by side, and a guy has a tape measure in hand, things are much more tangible.
Now, interestingly enough, it seems that getting this old thing, and following the signs to the parts to get it put together has led us to a much better vehicle.
Jim picked up an engine stand Thursday from a guy close by us. He and his fiance are selling everything and moving to Arizona. He's got a Chevy RV sitting in the yard. It belonged to his parents, it's in great shape, 75,000 original miles, and he wants $1800 for it. We're going to put this RV we have up for sale, along with the engine and transmission, and buy that one.
So, while Jim was kind of feeling defeated and frustrated by this turn of events, it occurred to us that, well, if he hadn't gone to get the stand, he wouldn't have met this guy, or found this vehicle. It's not on craigslist, it doesn't have a For Sale sign, nothing. We literally wouldn't have ever found it if we hadn't gotten the one we have. So, this was all maybe just a test to see how dedicated we are to this whole notion. I guess we pass muster!
In other news...
An entire sweater for a tall scrawny young man is almost done. I think it's long enough finally. We'll see I guess. I know the arm is long enough, because it's long enough for his dad. I've lengthened the body twice now. It's 24 inches from the back of the neck to the hem. I'll have to go corner him and shove it over his head again.
I've finished a fun gift for a lovely young woman who will be all growed up offishul-like sometime in the next week or so here. She's about to move into a little house with her adored boyfriend, so I thought a fun wallhanging would be appreciated. I hope Andy likes unicorns.
I'm going to have to come up with a couple more things though. 21 is kind of a significant birthday from what I'm told. And of course she specifically requested Bar Money. How's $21 bucks sound, kid? HA! Like she's going to have to buy her own drinks... I guess point more being she can.
Also...
Spring! Happy Equinox out there, folks! Sadly, I missed the supermoon last night, but man oh man! Spring has come to western Michigan! It is raining cats and dogs today, all the snow will be washed away by morning, and there are crocuses blooming! Rilo got out for the first loooong walk this past week, and was that little doggie-girl ever excited to see her leash! Thought she might take the whole door down, she was in such a hurry!
Connor continues to do wild and woolly things, never ceasing to amaze. He got new shoes this week, as it is now sneaker weather again. Fastest shoe shopping trip evah! Went to Target, he spotted 'THE shoes' immediately; Spiderman, with light-up webs on the side! We discovered that he wears a size 12 (!) now, which means he got them on the big guy side of the aisle, rather than the little guy side. This was Tuesday. Wednesday morning he leapt from bed, called out, "C'mon, Gramma! Let's get me to school!" He was dressed and downstairs, in those shoes, before I was fully conscious. Then, of all crazy, unexpected things, he is brushing his own hair!! Big guy shoes turned him into a really big guy, at least for one morning. LOL! He was earnin' some preschool street cred with those babies, lemme tell you! Huh-larious!!! Another awesome step forward is his interest and ability to make his own fruit salad. Cuttin' up strawberries and bananas... he was so impressed to show that skill off to Ellie and Amber, young lady friends of 6 and almost 8 who came to dinner last night. While waiting for the lame grown-ups to quit yakking and order some pizza already! he proudly cut a lovely bowl of strawberries for each of them. What a nifty guy! Now, if he'd just stop filling up my camera memory with pictures of his butt...
Crafty goodness continues unabated. Working on some flowers, crocheted from various and sundry material. I like ribbon! It is shiny, and it doesn't split when crocheting! But... it comes in such little spools! I have a ribbon sunflower almost done, but no more bright yellow. I'm out, and, sadly JoAnn is out too. I did get the center completed, so yay for that!!
*sigh*
Maybe soon... I guess I'll have to make do with my yarns. Rough life. I know, I know. And the daffodil and columbine I made with yarn are so very, very awesome! No pics of those yet...
In the next weeks, I'm going to be doing some writing/processing of the last few years of our lives here. I've had some epiphanies about a bunch of stuff, and I need to get it down and out. Along with that, I'll be writing more about the crafting, getting my etsy shop, zoesdyedreams, up and running, and continuing to chronicle the saga of the RV. My goal is to take an hour a couple days a week, and focus on one area. So, if you wanna come along, I'd love the company!
Peace out there, ya'll.
That new drivetrain? The one that came out of the same vehicle we have basically? Yeah. Won't fit. The transmission is 3 inches longer, and the bolt pattern is different. Jim took copious pictures, and took those with him when he went to look at the drivetrain, to guard against just such an event. But, there you have it. When they're sitting side by side, and a guy has a tape measure in hand, things are much more tangible.
Now, interestingly enough, it seems that getting this old thing, and following the signs to the parts to get it put together has led us to a much better vehicle.
Jim picked up an engine stand Thursday from a guy close by us. He and his fiance are selling everything and moving to Arizona. He's got a Chevy RV sitting in the yard. It belonged to his parents, it's in great shape, 75,000 original miles, and he wants $1800 for it. We're going to put this RV we have up for sale, along with the engine and transmission, and buy that one.
So, while Jim was kind of feeling defeated and frustrated by this turn of events, it occurred to us that, well, if he hadn't gone to get the stand, he wouldn't have met this guy, or found this vehicle. It's not on craigslist, it doesn't have a For Sale sign, nothing. We literally wouldn't have ever found it if we hadn't gotten the one we have. So, this was all maybe just a test to see how dedicated we are to this whole notion. I guess we pass muster!
In other news...
An entire sweater for a tall scrawny young man is almost done. I think it's long enough finally. We'll see I guess. I know the arm is long enough, because it's long enough for his dad. I've lengthened the body twice now. It's 24 inches from the back of the neck to the hem. I'll have to go corner him and shove it over his head again.
I've finished a fun gift for a lovely young woman who will be all growed up offishul-like sometime in the next week or so here. She's about to move into a little house with her adored boyfriend, so I thought a fun wallhanging would be appreciated. I hope Andy likes unicorns.
I'm going to have to come up with a couple more things though. 21 is kind of a significant birthday from what I'm told. And of course she specifically requested Bar Money. How's $21 bucks sound, kid? HA! Like she's going to have to buy her own drinks... I guess point more being she can.
Also...
Spring! Happy Equinox out there, folks! Sadly, I missed the supermoon last night, but man oh man! Spring has come to western Michigan! It is raining cats and dogs today, all the snow will be washed away by morning, and there are crocuses blooming! Rilo got out for the first loooong walk this past week, and was that little doggie-girl ever excited to see her leash! Thought she might take the whole door down, she was in such a hurry!
Maybe soon... I guess I'll have to make do with my yarns. Rough life. I know, I know. And the daffodil and columbine I made with yarn are so very, very awesome! No pics of those yet...
In the next weeks, I'm going to be doing some writing/processing of the last few years of our lives here. I've had some epiphanies about a bunch of stuff, and I need to get it down and out. Along with that, I'll be writing more about the crafting, getting my etsy shop, zoesdyedreams, up and running, and continuing to chronicle the saga of the RV. My goal is to take an hour a couple days a week, and focus on one area. So, if you wanna come along, I'd love the company!
Peace out there, ya'll.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Progress!!
The Conestoga has a new drivetrain coming home this week! Yet another sign that we're doing the right thing. On a whim, I checked craigslist for a Dodge 360... lo and behold! NOT ONLY a Dodge 360 engine, but an engine and transmission for $350!!!! Unheard of! AND not only that, it came out of a 1976 Dodge RV. Can you guess what year the Conestoga is? Yup!!! 1976! So, the exact engine and trans that we have, that we need, from the same vehicle, with... wait for it...
only 46,000 miles!!! OMG people! Really?! The Universe is def saying, "You go, sister! This is the right path to choose."
Aaaaand I've been making stuff like nobody's business! Watch for updates re: etsy shop, and sister blog 'dyedreams'. Coming this week. Bank trip tomorrow for separate checking and my own paypal. Yippee skippy! Gotta make the hubby and the kid stand still so I can take some photos of them in the awesome Michigan shirts.
Seven weeks more of Michigan people! Seven weeks!!!
only 46,000 miles!!! OMG people! Really?! The Universe is def saying, "You go, sister! This is the right path to choose."
Aaaaand I've been making stuff like nobody's business! Watch for updates re: etsy shop, and sister blog 'dyedreams'. Coming this week. Bank trip tomorrow for separate checking and my own paypal. Yippee skippy! Gotta make the hubby and the kid stand still so I can take some photos of them in the awesome Michigan shirts.
Seven weeks more of Michigan people! Seven weeks!!!
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
My American Dream
I have an American Dream. Part of it is finally realized! I am a homeowner.
 |
| The homestead |
This is our Conestoga Wagon. We are pioneers. We are going boldly forth, traveling west into the relatively unknown, to make our own way, to create our own reality, to stick it to the man, if you will, and be real people, true to ourselves and our passions.
Some have said we're out of our minds. Some think we're going to break down, and if that happens, the authorities will come take the kid. Because yeah, of course, every time a car carrying children breaks down on a road trip, it is considered neglect, and the kids are confiscated. Sheesh. Gimme a big ol' break.
'But how will you make money?!'
Have you SEEN the art my husband can make?! Have you seen the art I can make?! Apparently not... But we can make some sweet art, and we can sell it at art fairs, and music festivals, allowing us to travel in the summer, and hunker, making art, in the winter. Also, did you know that they pay people to ride their bikes along with bicycle tours to make repairs to the bikes of other riders? Because my husband can do that with his eyes closed. He does need both hands, or I'd say with one hand tied behind his back. His toes are pretty nimble though, so maybe...
'But that's delusional! You're not in your 20s! It's a midlife crisis! You need a reality check!'
We're not delusional. We wanted to do this in our 20s. We were scared to take the leap. All the messaging from our families and society assured us that we were delusional, and if we wanted to support our little family, we needed to straighten up and fly right. So we went to college, and got educated, and got a whopping debt. That was our most salient take-away from college. Our debt. A degree is not a guarantee, folks, of money, or happiness, or anything like that.
So, if a kid in their 20s wants to do something like this, you tell them they're delusional, they need to grow up and get real. If a couple of 45 and 50 want to do this, you tell them they're not kids, they're having midlife crises, and they need to grow up and get real. What could be more real?!
'You won't have room for ANYTHING!!!'
Exactly. We as a family, and we as a society, have too. much. stuff. I am sick to death of stuff... needing stuff, wanting stuff, storing stuff, having stuff get covered in pet hair, and my hair, and actually losing my glasses to a tribble the size of Rhode Island for a freaking month. The less shit I have, the less shit I have to maintain, the more space I have in my head and my heart for the people I love. The more time I have to play my dulcimer, or draw with Connor, or go for walks, just because.
'But what if this?! What if that?!'
Well, we'll deal with it if it happens, as we've dealt with everything else that the universe has thrown our way for the last 23 years that we've been together. We have faced down some mighty demons, let me tell you. We've been hanging out for almost 30 years. This will be easy. This will be healthy. This will be good.
'But you have to have a job...'
Why? Who says? We can be creative and crafty, just like all those writers and photographers and artists that are on your list of 'admired people'. We may not make much money, but hell! We don't make much money now!
Connor can go to school. Or not. If it doesn't work for him, he'll not go. We're perfectly capable of facilitating some high-quality learning, if maybe not in the most conventional manner. And, having taught college for several years, let me assure you all that going to school in no way assures that a young adult has the ability to do research, to write, to actually think. Which is sort of a prerequisite for learning.
Jim watched Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid a couple weeks ago. One line summed it all up.
"Well, we tried going straight. Now what?"
Yup. We tried going straight. Now what indeed. Going straight didn't work, hasn't worked, isn't going to work. We are not straight. We are creative and analytical, we are unconventional. We are not happy trying to be straight. Jim is not happy when he's not making beautiful things. He hasn't made something to completion in years. He needs to cut glass with Miles Davis playing loud. He needs to play guitar. He needs to go stand in a beautiful river with a fly rod, whether or not he catches anything, or keeps anything he catches. I need to sit in front of a wood stove and knit. I need to cook, and preserve, and maybe even have bees and/or chickens. I need to sew, and set Connor loose with glue and sticks and pine cones. Connor needs to get muddy, turning over rocks, looking for frogs and bugs, he needs to learn how to skip rocks and build forts.
And really, isn't this the true American Dream folks? Self sufficiency? Making your way, making your life, using your own two hands? A friend posted a Ben Harper song , My Own Two Hands, a week or so ago, asking her readers what we would do with OUR own two hands. Well, here's my answer... I'll make my own American Dream, I'll make my own life, an authentic life for my little family, and I'll do it with my own two hands. And Jim's own two hands. And Connor's own two hands, because you know what? Those little hands are mighty capable too. They can knead bread, they can draw, they can give some killer hugs. We will build a life, a true American Dream, not this material success bullshit that is empty and hollow and spirit-killing. We will build the life WE dream, the life we choose, not the life that somebody somewhere hands us the blueprint for and says, "This is how it is done. This is what you 'need', these are the things you 'want', this is how reality looks."
Reality is not a singular noun. It is a plural verb. It is fluid, it is different for each person. Bucky Fuller wrote a book, "I Seem to be a Verb". Genius, that man. Too bad they thought he was crazy. But that is the curse of the creative, of genius. The masses, the people who live in their narrow, prescribed 'reality', think the creative and the geniuses are nuts. Too bad for them.
With my own two hands, I'm going to make that crazy old RV beautiful! It's going to have a yellow and purple kitchen. It's going to have glow-in-the-dark stars on a black ceiling above the bed. It's going to have pretty cushions, and braided rag rugs. It is my homestead, my frontier. I am going forth boldly into my future. Maybe we'll rent someplace when we get where we're going. Maybe we'll live in the RV. Maybe we'll do a combination. Maybe we'll get some jobs, maybe at the health food store and the bike tour company, and save a little bit of cash to buy a couple acres, and build an earthship or a yurt. Who knows?
What I do know is that this isn't right. This doesn't feed my mind, body or soul. This shit only steals from my essence. It crushes who I am, it makes me a nervous, cynical, unpleasant person. I am none of those.
The only things that truly matter in life are the people that we love. This version of somebody else's 'reality' steals people away from one another in the name of taking care of those very same people. Screw that, man. Seriously. Screw that. There is no beauty there. There is no love. In my American Dream, it's all about the beauty and the love and the truth. That is our reality. That is the reality I choose.
Newsweek Says...
... that Grand Rapids is a dying city. There are groups now dedicated to countering this claim. Many who live here love Grand Rapids with a passion. I actually pretty much loved it too when we moved here, and have considered it coming alive rather than dying myself over the 10 years we've been here. But this article got me thinking about what I loved about it then, why I cannot freaking wait to leave now, what it has that is vibrant and wonderful, and what it needs to keep it moving forward.
I don't think it's dying. I have to say, Newsweek, I think that you maybe looked at some things that aren't really here, or were looking for things that used to define the city that no longer do so. Jim was born and raised here. He was a kid here when there were innovations in education, and when Grand Rapids became the first city in the USA to floridate the water supply. He was a teenager in the late '70s when all the businesses moved out of downtown, and businesses boarded up their windows. He watched this city die. It looked nothing like it looks today, as it has started getting some CPR.
When we came here in 2001, Jim had been gone since 1979. There were tract houses and chain restaurants where he used to play in the woods, where his dad used to go hunting. There is now a large arena right downtown. It accommodates major concert tours, including Lady Gaga, Kenny Chesney and Ozzy Osbourne. Businesses and restaurants are opening in downtown. Businesses are open on Sunday, and just this year the law changed to allow alcohol sales before noon on Sundays. Yay for mimosas at brunch! Or hitting Costco for a cheap case of Sierras while the populace is still at church.
When we came here, I really loved it. We'd come from Seattle, where the cost of living was astronomical, we didn't know our neighbors, because nobody came out of their houses for walks or bike rides or a smoke on the porch. Because we didn't know any of our neighbors, I didn't really let the kids out to play on their own much at all. They certainly weren't allowed to ride their bikes in the neighborhood, or walk to the park. Not that there was a park to walk to... but you get the idea. The day that I opened my car door, and a syringe fell out OF MY CAR, apparently the leftovers from someone who walked up from Aurora, the dingy main drag about 5 blocks east, I knew it was time to leave. As I looked at the thing in horror, I noticed my door. The door that my nice landlord had been kind enough to install a cat door in. I walked up on the stoop, lay down, and stretched my arm up through the cat door. Yup. It was tricky, but I could turn the deadbolt. I'm 5'4". Arms any longer than mine would have no trouble with it at all. My kids, at ages 8 and 10 spent many hours at home alone, as Jim and I worked a combined 130 hours a week to pay the rent and bills. I counted the tips I was saving for Disney, where they've still, at 18 and 20, never gone, and discovered we could move with what I had. We weren't planning on Grand Rapids, but this is where we landed. And it was great!
We found a place for $450/month including utilities. WTF?! We'd been paying over $1000/month just for rent, and our bills were easily another $1000/month. So that was just amazing! We could work less, and have more disposable income. We could eat out! Go to movies! Buy books! Pay for activities! The kids found friends in the neighborhood (!), the neighbors came and introduced themselves (!), and gave us a phone list of the folks on our block and the next. The kids started going to the park with their friends. They skated, they walked to different playgrounds, some in the parks, some at local schools. They went trick-or-treating in groups. Without us. Their friends parents invited us for bar-b-ques and New Year's Eve parties. Those people remain my friends today, 10 years later. But it was also much more conservative than anywhere I'd lived in years. Maybe ever. I'd never lived anywhere really where one of the first questions I was asked by many people was, "Have you chosen a church yet? I'd love to invite you to mine!" Grand Rapids has lots and lots of churches. It is the world headquarters of the Christian Reformed Church. These are the Dutch Calvinists. Calvin College is here. Hope College is here. It's kind of intense. And yet, these most irritating things seemed to be also the nicest things. I felt the kids were safe, people knew each other, they looked out for their neighbors and their neighbors' kids. We all knew who every kid belonged to, and where they lived. That seemed largely to grow out of the religious community mentality that permeates the place. But, I had that in college, with a bunch of atheist/agnostic, pro-choice, liberal friends. We watched each other's kids, we went trick-or-treating in groups, we had bar-b-ques, and we looked out for each other. But it seemed, at first, that I would be able to build community, and be happy here. It seemed that way for several years. Then, our lives changed irrevocably, and we have seen the 'other side'.
When Cassady got pregnant, our friends were great. Very supportive of us and her. When she couldn't do it, at 16/17, and we took over with Connor, they were verbally supportive, and some of my friends have remained very supportive of ME, as an individual, but not US so much, as a family in and out of crisis, trying to find our center as grandparents starting over. I've been ill this winter, and what I've needed more than anything is help with Connor. No one has offered that other than one friend who took him for one day, another friend who had him for a sleepover with her girls, and his wonderful preschool teachers, where he only gets to go the two days I'm sick in bed because we're so broke from my not being able to work, who took him one day over winter break. Four months. Three times I've received help in the most-needed area. This winter, and our travels the last two summers, have really brought into focus what is missing in my life, what is missing IN THIS CITY, to truly make it come alive, and keep it alive.
Or maybe it's me. Maybe I just need to suddenly decide that I will become Christian, go to a conservative church, vote Republican, and I'll have friends who'll help with the kid? Hah!!! That'll be happening exactly NEVER!!!
So, this is what I have sifted from my really thinking about Grand Rapids and this article. It reminds me, in it's own way, of when The Utne Reader named Arcata, where I lived at that time, as a Top Ten Green City. No recycling, nobody stopped to let cyclists cross, even a 6 year old girl with her dad, no community garden... not really a lot other than a leftist idealism among the student at Humboldt State. And a really good co-op. My thought then, as now, started as, "They really should actually visit a place and see what the reality is. You can't determine stuff like this from what the numbers on a spreadsheet indicate." And now, as then, it really got me thinking... what is good about this place? What makes it not work at all for me now, why do I want to get the hell out of here soooooo desperately? And this is what I came up with...
Grand Rapids has some great stuff going on. There are new restaurants, we have the first LEED certified Art Museum building in the world, there are good bars, and a good brewery. There is a vibrant underage/punk music scene, which has been amazing for my son. Coming from Seattle, music capital of the '90s, where you couldn't go to live music until at least 18, once in a great while, that was a wonderful thing. Cheap, safe venues for 14 year olds to go hear and play music. The arts scene is growing and vibrant. The DAAC, UICA and their new building. ArtPrize is freaking stunningly wonderful and innovative. The moves toward getting the rapids back in the river are promising, and moving forward. The farmer's market is pretty great, I like that it has a dedicated place, and that it has been around for so long. I hate hate hate that people are actually allowed to sell produce like bananas that they obviously buy on closeout from the grocery stores and simply resell at the farmer's market. Talk about missing the point. Rob Bliss may be a tool, but he makes cool shit happen here. There is stuff for unencumbered adults to do. Art movies at UICA, workshops at Institute for Global Education, low-cost theater. But it's soooooo limited! Finding food... it's like, "We have Harvest Health!" so the need for a health food store is met. Ummmmm... NO it's not! C'mon! I really don't want to drive the 60 miles to effing Kalamazoo to buy bulk food from actual bins with actual scoops, but that's the closest, best place to do so, so occasionally, I make the trek.
And yet, there is nothing for me to go do without finding, and finding a way to pay for, a babysitter. For instance, even with the music venues? We're driving to Detroit twice in the next 6 weeks to see the two tours we'll probably see all year, same as we did in '09. These folks don't play GR. The arena is too large, the bars too small. We can go to Chicago or Detroit, and if I never drive the Dan Ryan through Chicago again, it'll be too soon. Also, this situation most certainly increases the cost of seeing a concert... 3 hour drive each way, food... turns a 2 hour concert into a 10-12 hour odyssey, requiring childcare for that whole time. Thank goodness for an awesome teenage son who does what he can, and doesn't charge. He'll save me a whole butt load of money, even though his work schedule doesn't allow him to the whole stint.
BUT. What I saw in summer of '09, and summer of '10, has brought home, as it were, the glaring shortfalls and shortsightedness of Grand Rapids, brought it into sharp relief.
What I have discovered really missing the last couple years, as we have had our grandson living with us and he is growing, are, for one thing, family activities that are affordable, and inclusive. Also, as much as it was easy to make friends when my kids were 9 and 11, with a small child, even one who has been in the same preschool for 2 and a half years, we have NO FRIENDS with kids his age. When my own kids were his age, we shared dinners at least once week with other parents. We trick-or-treated in groups. We watched each other's kids. We had community. Maybe it was because we lived in northern California. But no. I've seen this community exist elsewhere. In fact, our relocation choice is based on the existence of that community.
Here, our neighbors won't speak to us. Here, on our block, filled with kids, our grandson has no one to play with. I thought, when we moved in last November, that in the spring we'd go for bike rides and walks down the block, and we'd meet our neighbors and their kids, and he'd have kids to play with. How hopeful and naive. Literally, moms have taken their children by the upper arm and escorted them into their own backyards when we've gone out for walks, all while giving me the stink-eye, and not saying even 'hello'. Three families with similar aged kids have moved out since we moved in. The only thing I can figure is that because we don't fit the mold, we are threatening to them. We don't go to church. I have long hair that is occasionally quite purple. Connor will be 5 in May. He got his first haircut just before Christmas. My husband has long hair too. We wear tie-dyes. We have Grateful Dead stickers on our car. And yet, even the folks across the street with Dead stickers and dreads don't talk to us. Of course nobody else talks to them either, but still...
And there's nothing to do as a family other than go to a cheap movie at Woodland Mall, or walk in the park. I live right by Riverside Park. I was so excited to be so close to a park with a bike/running path and multiple playgrounds! But I can't take my grandson to the playgrounds there, because they get vandalized, and they are not repaired. We drive to Jenison, to Hagar Park, if we want a nice playground. That's 15 miles.
Community pool? Closest one is in Holland. Almost 30 miles.
Pools in summer? Only if some philanthropist pays for one, then community members raise funds for a couple more... the city will happily provide trailers with extra police in the summer, which is good if they don't open the pools, because those bored kids too old for day camp are gonna create a need for those cops if they have nowhere to go. We had 5 pools sit empty last summer. The wading pools had grass growing up through the cracks.
Swimming lessons? Closest ones are in East Grand Rapids, and cost almost 80 dollars for 5, 25-minute lessons.
Children's museum? Not bad! But you can only go there just so often, or it gets 'been there, done that' for the kids.
And again, none of these things, other than a community pool, are family things. They are places you take your kid, which is different than doing family stuff.
Where we're going, there's a kick-ass outdoor community pool. There's a kick-ass indoor community pool. Lessons? 25 dollars for eight weeks.
There's a skate park. Free. In one of the many parks.
There's a killer playground, which the community built, with volunteer labor, in 9 days. Next to it is a carousel, built by and for the community, with volunteer labor.
The city as a whole values and has written into the mission statement that every citizen be close to a neighborhood park, and have easy access to bike routes and paths. There is a partnership that focuses on getting kids outdoors with their families, and has even written a bill of rights for kids' access to the outdoors, to nature. And they back it up, yo. Free activities monthly, like snowshoeing, cross-country skiing, camping, swimming in lakes. With guides, instructors and gear included in the 'for free' category.
New Year's eve is a 12 hour, family-friendly extravaganza, with art-making, music, theater, shuttle buses, crafts, dance...
There are also great music venues, breweries, and restaurants. An amazing art scene. A university.
The kicker? GR is 3 times larger. Where we're moving offers 10 times more for where we are in life.
If GR wants to truly be a growing city, a vibrant city, get people here and KEEP people here, there will need to be a focus on stuff for families. Give the kids things to do. But I can tell you right now that won't happen, and I can tell your right now why... families here are very isolationist and self-protective. They don't want those 'other kids' (read dark and poor) to 'take advantage' of resources that 'we' pay for. Of course all parents want to keep their kids safe. These parents do that by keeping their precious snowflakes in private playgrounds in back yards. They take them to supervised, indoor activities that cost bank. They take them to supervised, outdoor activities that cost bank. They don't utilize the resources this city does offer, and resultantly, those resources go away rather than strengthen.
I remember once standing in line to register my daughter for summer theater camp at the Children's Theater. Ran into a mom from her school. She remarked, "I'm so glad we can finally do this! He's wanted to be in theater for so long! (the kid was probably 12), but it's so DANGEROUS down here, I could just never ever have sent him to a class downtown! I always worried, with the location, that he'd get shot, or I'd get carjacked dropping him off! But now that the police station is across the street, I'm sure It'll be okay. Of course, I'd still never do it in the winter. But in the summer, I can sit on the bench by the police station with a book." And I remember thinking... "Shot!!! Carjacked?!?!?! At Monroe and Library Circle?! Are you effing kidding me?!" Sheesh... have these people never been to a CITY?! Maybe one with an actual BAD NEIGHBORHOOD?! Detroit? Chicago? Columbus? Indianapolis? Fer Pete's sake, ya'll.
The fear is completely insane, and completely unfounded, but it permeates everything about parenting a young child in this city. I've taught 20-something students who, when enrolled in a class at the downtown campus, are driven to the city by their daddies, who wait in the car outside the building, because their daughters are simply in too much danger, at 23, to be downtown alone. TWENTY-THREE?!?! Students from small towns who are allowed to go to Grand Valley on the condition that they NEVER go into Grand Rapids. What if they take the wrong bus? The 50?! Really?! It's kinda hard to screw that one up, and even if you do, you stand there for 5 minutes and POOF! Another 50! Like magic.... whoa...
*sigh*
This place has made me cynical. I've felt socially isolated and often unwelcome. I have lost much of my positivity, my ability to find every silver lining, no matter how thin and tattered it may be. The drenching of the culture in this specific religious tradition has pushed me closer to atheism and out of spiritual. And I don't recognize myself, my spirit, after 10 years here. And I don't like that, so I'm changing it. I'm going to reclaim and empower my artistic, spiritual self. But, like getting off drugs required leaving the environment that encouraged that mindset behind, I have to leave this environment to leave this negative, stagnant mindset behind.
So, no, Grand Rapids itself is not dying. But it's not fully alive either. It's got some personal growth issues to attend to.
Like me. I'm not dying, but I'm not fully alive either, and the energy of Grand Rapids has really stolen something from me that I want back. I feel like the frog in the pot of water. It was comfortable when I got in. It got uncomfortable so slowly, I didn't even notice until all of a sudden it was REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE, and I couldn't live in it anymore. The water boiled a year or two ago. Okay. Really ready to jump the hell out of this pot now. Four and half months... I have enough purging and packing to keep me focused on the going, finally, and get over the ick of the staying.
I don't think it's dying. I have to say, Newsweek, I think that you maybe looked at some things that aren't really here, or were looking for things that used to define the city that no longer do so. Jim was born and raised here. He was a kid here when there were innovations in education, and when Grand Rapids became the first city in the USA to floridate the water supply. He was a teenager in the late '70s when all the businesses moved out of downtown, and businesses boarded up their windows. He watched this city die. It looked nothing like it looks today, as it has started getting some CPR.
When we came here in 2001, Jim had been gone since 1979. There were tract houses and chain restaurants where he used to play in the woods, where his dad used to go hunting. There is now a large arena right downtown. It accommodates major concert tours, including Lady Gaga, Kenny Chesney and Ozzy Osbourne. Businesses and restaurants are opening in downtown. Businesses are open on Sunday, and just this year the law changed to allow alcohol sales before noon on Sundays. Yay for mimosas at brunch! Or hitting Costco for a cheap case of Sierras while the populace is still at church.
When we came here, I really loved it. We'd come from Seattle, where the cost of living was astronomical, we didn't know our neighbors, because nobody came out of their houses for walks or bike rides or a smoke on the porch. Because we didn't know any of our neighbors, I didn't really let the kids out to play on their own much at all. They certainly weren't allowed to ride their bikes in the neighborhood, or walk to the park. Not that there was a park to walk to... but you get the idea. The day that I opened my car door, and a syringe fell out OF MY CAR, apparently the leftovers from someone who walked up from Aurora, the dingy main drag about 5 blocks east, I knew it was time to leave. As I looked at the thing in horror, I noticed my door. The door that my nice landlord had been kind enough to install a cat door in. I walked up on the stoop, lay down, and stretched my arm up through the cat door. Yup. It was tricky, but I could turn the deadbolt. I'm 5'4". Arms any longer than mine would have no trouble with it at all. My kids, at ages 8 and 10 spent many hours at home alone, as Jim and I worked a combined 130 hours a week to pay the rent and bills. I counted the tips I was saving for Disney, where they've still, at 18 and 20, never gone, and discovered we could move with what I had. We weren't planning on Grand Rapids, but this is where we landed. And it was great!
We found a place for $450/month including utilities. WTF?! We'd been paying over $1000/month just for rent, and our bills were easily another $1000/month. So that was just amazing! We could work less, and have more disposable income. We could eat out! Go to movies! Buy books! Pay for activities! The kids found friends in the neighborhood (!), the neighbors came and introduced themselves (!), and gave us a phone list of the folks on our block and the next. The kids started going to the park with their friends. They skated, they walked to different playgrounds, some in the parks, some at local schools. They went trick-or-treating in groups. Without us. Their friends parents invited us for bar-b-ques and New Year's Eve parties. Those people remain my friends today, 10 years later. But it was also much more conservative than anywhere I'd lived in years. Maybe ever. I'd never lived anywhere really where one of the first questions I was asked by many people was, "Have you chosen a church yet? I'd love to invite you to mine!" Grand Rapids has lots and lots of churches. It is the world headquarters of the Christian Reformed Church. These are the Dutch Calvinists. Calvin College is here. Hope College is here. It's kind of intense. And yet, these most irritating things seemed to be also the nicest things. I felt the kids were safe, people knew each other, they looked out for their neighbors and their neighbors' kids. We all knew who every kid belonged to, and where they lived. That seemed largely to grow out of the religious community mentality that permeates the place. But, I had that in college, with a bunch of atheist/agnostic, pro-choice, liberal friends. We watched each other's kids, we went trick-or-treating in groups, we had bar-b-ques, and we looked out for each other. But it seemed, at first, that I would be able to build community, and be happy here. It seemed that way for several years. Then, our lives changed irrevocably, and we have seen the 'other side'.
When Cassady got pregnant, our friends were great. Very supportive of us and her. When she couldn't do it, at 16/17, and we took over with Connor, they were verbally supportive, and some of my friends have remained very supportive of ME, as an individual, but not US so much, as a family in and out of crisis, trying to find our center as grandparents starting over. I've been ill this winter, and what I've needed more than anything is help with Connor. No one has offered that other than one friend who took him for one day, another friend who had him for a sleepover with her girls, and his wonderful preschool teachers, where he only gets to go the two days I'm sick in bed because we're so broke from my not being able to work, who took him one day over winter break. Four months. Three times I've received help in the most-needed area. This winter, and our travels the last two summers, have really brought into focus what is missing in my life, what is missing IN THIS CITY, to truly make it come alive, and keep it alive.
Or maybe it's me. Maybe I just need to suddenly decide that I will become Christian, go to a conservative church, vote Republican, and I'll have friends who'll help with the kid? Hah!!! That'll be happening exactly NEVER!!!
So, this is what I have sifted from my really thinking about Grand Rapids and this article. It reminds me, in it's own way, of when The Utne Reader named Arcata, where I lived at that time, as a Top Ten Green City. No recycling, nobody stopped to let cyclists cross, even a 6 year old girl with her dad, no community garden... not really a lot other than a leftist idealism among the student at Humboldt State. And a really good co-op. My thought then, as now, started as, "They really should actually visit a place and see what the reality is. You can't determine stuff like this from what the numbers on a spreadsheet indicate." And now, as then, it really got me thinking... what is good about this place? What makes it not work at all for me now, why do I want to get the hell out of here soooooo desperately? And this is what I came up with...
Grand Rapids has some great stuff going on. There are new restaurants, we have the first LEED certified Art Museum building in the world, there are good bars, and a good brewery. There is a vibrant underage/punk music scene, which has been amazing for my son. Coming from Seattle, music capital of the '90s, where you couldn't go to live music until at least 18, once in a great while, that was a wonderful thing. Cheap, safe venues for 14 year olds to go hear and play music. The arts scene is growing and vibrant. The DAAC, UICA and their new building. ArtPrize is freaking stunningly wonderful and innovative. The moves toward getting the rapids back in the river are promising, and moving forward. The farmer's market is pretty great, I like that it has a dedicated place, and that it has been around for so long. I hate hate hate that people are actually allowed to sell produce like bananas that they obviously buy on closeout from the grocery stores and simply resell at the farmer's market. Talk about missing the point. Rob Bliss may be a tool, but he makes cool shit happen here. There is stuff for unencumbered adults to do. Art movies at UICA, workshops at Institute for Global Education, low-cost theater. But it's soooooo limited! Finding food... it's like, "We have Harvest Health!" so the need for a health food store is met. Ummmmm... NO it's not! C'mon! I really don't want to drive the 60 miles to effing Kalamazoo to buy bulk food from actual bins with actual scoops, but that's the closest, best place to do so, so occasionally, I make the trek.
And yet, there is nothing for me to go do without finding, and finding a way to pay for, a babysitter. For instance, even with the music venues? We're driving to Detroit twice in the next 6 weeks to see the two tours we'll probably see all year, same as we did in '09. These folks don't play GR. The arena is too large, the bars too small. We can go to Chicago or Detroit, and if I never drive the Dan Ryan through Chicago again, it'll be too soon. Also, this situation most certainly increases the cost of seeing a concert... 3 hour drive each way, food... turns a 2 hour concert into a 10-12 hour odyssey, requiring childcare for that whole time. Thank goodness for an awesome teenage son who does what he can, and doesn't charge. He'll save me a whole butt load of money, even though his work schedule doesn't allow him to the whole stint.
BUT. What I saw in summer of '09, and summer of '10, has brought home, as it were, the glaring shortfalls and shortsightedness of Grand Rapids, brought it into sharp relief.
What I have discovered really missing the last couple years, as we have had our grandson living with us and he is growing, are, for one thing, family activities that are affordable, and inclusive. Also, as much as it was easy to make friends when my kids were 9 and 11, with a small child, even one who has been in the same preschool for 2 and a half years, we have NO FRIENDS with kids his age. When my own kids were his age, we shared dinners at least once week with other parents. We trick-or-treated in groups. We watched each other's kids. We had community. Maybe it was because we lived in northern California. But no. I've seen this community exist elsewhere. In fact, our relocation choice is based on the existence of that community.
Here, our neighbors won't speak to us. Here, on our block, filled with kids, our grandson has no one to play with. I thought, when we moved in last November, that in the spring we'd go for bike rides and walks down the block, and we'd meet our neighbors and their kids, and he'd have kids to play with. How hopeful and naive. Literally, moms have taken their children by the upper arm and escorted them into their own backyards when we've gone out for walks, all while giving me the stink-eye, and not saying even 'hello'. Three families with similar aged kids have moved out since we moved in. The only thing I can figure is that because we don't fit the mold, we are threatening to them. We don't go to church. I have long hair that is occasionally quite purple. Connor will be 5 in May. He got his first haircut just before Christmas. My husband has long hair too. We wear tie-dyes. We have Grateful Dead stickers on our car. And yet, even the folks across the street with Dead stickers and dreads don't talk to us. Of course nobody else talks to them either, but still...
And there's nothing to do as a family other than go to a cheap movie at Woodland Mall, or walk in the park. I live right by Riverside Park. I was so excited to be so close to a park with a bike/running path and multiple playgrounds! But I can't take my grandson to the playgrounds there, because they get vandalized, and they are not repaired. We drive to Jenison, to Hagar Park, if we want a nice playground. That's 15 miles.
Community pool? Closest one is in Holland. Almost 30 miles.
Pools in summer? Only if some philanthropist pays for one, then community members raise funds for a couple more... the city will happily provide trailers with extra police in the summer, which is good if they don't open the pools, because those bored kids too old for day camp are gonna create a need for those cops if they have nowhere to go. We had 5 pools sit empty last summer. The wading pools had grass growing up through the cracks.
Swimming lessons? Closest ones are in East Grand Rapids, and cost almost 80 dollars for 5, 25-minute lessons.
Children's museum? Not bad! But you can only go there just so often, or it gets 'been there, done that' for the kids.
And again, none of these things, other than a community pool, are family things. They are places you take your kid, which is different than doing family stuff.
Where we're going, there's a kick-ass outdoor community pool. There's a kick-ass indoor community pool. Lessons? 25 dollars for eight weeks.
There's a skate park. Free. In one of the many parks.
There's a killer playground, which the community built, with volunteer labor, in 9 days. Next to it is a carousel, built by and for the community, with volunteer labor.
The city as a whole values and has written into the mission statement that every citizen be close to a neighborhood park, and have easy access to bike routes and paths. There is a partnership that focuses on getting kids outdoors with their families, and has even written a bill of rights for kids' access to the outdoors, to nature. And they back it up, yo. Free activities monthly, like snowshoeing, cross-country skiing, camping, swimming in lakes. With guides, instructors and gear included in the 'for free' category.
New Year's eve is a 12 hour, family-friendly extravaganza, with art-making, music, theater, shuttle buses, crafts, dance...
There are also great music venues, breweries, and restaurants. An amazing art scene. A university.
The kicker? GR is 3 times larger. Where we're moving offers 10 times more for where we are in life.
If GR wants to truly be a growing city, a vibrant city, get people here and KEEP people here, there will need to be a focus on stuff for families. Give the kids things to do. But I can tell you right now that won't happen, and I can tell your right now why... families here are very isolationist and self-protective. They don't want those 'other kids' (read dark and poor) to 'take advantage' of resources that 'we' pay for. Of course all parents want to keep their kids safe. These parents do that by keeping their precious snowflakes in private playgrounds in back yards. They take them to supervised, indoor activities that cost bank. They take them to supervised, outdoor activities that cost bank. They don't utilize the resources this city does offer, and resultantly, those resources go away rather than strengthen.
I remember once standing in line to register my daughter for summer theater camp at the Children's Theater. Ran into a mom from her school. She remarked, "I'm so glad we can finally do this! He's wanted to be in theater for so long! (the kid was probably 12), but it's so DANGEROUS down here, I could just never ever have sent him to a class downtown! I always worried, with the location, that he'd get shot, or I'd get carjacked dropping him off! But now that the police station is across the street, I'm sure It'll be okay. Of course, I'd still never do it in the winter. But in the summer, I can sit on the bench by the police station with a book." And I remember thinking... "Shot!!! Carjacked?!?!?! At Monroe and Library Circle?! Are you effing kidding me?!" Sheesh... have these people never been to a CITY?! Maybe one with an actual BAD NEIGHBORHOOD?! Detroit? Chicago? Columbus? Indianapolis? Fer Pete's sake, ya'll.
The fear is completely insane, and completely unfounded, but it permeates everything about parenting a young child in this city. I've taught 20-something students who, when enrolled in a class at the downtown campus, are driven to the city by their daddies, who wait in the car outside the building, because their daughters are simply in too much danger, at 23, to be downtown alone. TWENTY-THREE?!?! Students from small towns who are allowed to go to Grand Valley on the condition that they NEVER go into Grand Rapids. What if they take the wrong bus? The 50?! Really?! It's kinda hard to screw that one up, and even if you do, you stand there for 5 minutes and POOF! Another 50! Like magic.... whoa...
*sigh*
This place has made me cynical. I've felt socially isolated and often unwelcome. I have lost much of my positivity, my ability to find every silver lining, no matter how thin and tattered it may be. The drenching of the culture in this specific religious tradition has pushed me closer to atheism and out of spiritual. And I don't recognize myself, my spirit, after 10 years here. And I don't like that, so I'm changing it. I'm going to reclaim and empower my artistic, spiritual self. But, like getting off drugs required leaving the environment that encouraged that mindset behind, I have to leave this environment to leave this negative, stagnant mindset behind.
So, no, Grand Rapids itself is not dying. But it's not fully alive either. It's got some personal growth issues to attend to.
Like me. I'm not dying, but I'm not fully alive either, and the energy of Grand Rapids has really stolen something from me that I want back. I feel like the frog in the pot of water. It was comfortable when I got in. It got uncomfortable so slowly, I didn't even notice until all of a sudden it was REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE, and I couldn't live in it anymore. The water boiled a year or two ago. Okay. Really ready to jump the hell out of this pot now. Four and half months... I have enough purging and packing to keep me focused on the going, finally, and get over the ick of the staying.
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